Jokes
*Jokes*
The funniest jokes you've never heard!
(Or your money back! Not valid anwhere on the planet earth, this galaxy, or anywhere beyond.)
A full set of teeth
Q: What is the funniest thing ever in the whole wide universe?
A: Go stand in front of a mirror and open your eyes
Politicians, like diapers, should be changed often and for the same reason.
What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand
What do you get when you eat baked beans and onions?
Tear Gas
What do you get when you eat baked beans with health food?
Gas-o-lean
What do you get when you eat baked beans with Viagra?
A stiff wind
I'd give myself a reality check but it would come back "Insufficient Funds"
In St. Cloud there is a hotline for people in denial.
Nobody ever calls it.
My wife is a compulsive talker. She's in a 12-step program to get help. It's called On and On Anon
What happens when a red ship and a blue ship collide?
Both crews are marooned
He does not have a beer belly. He has a liquid-grain storage facility.
What did the Leaning Tower of Pisa say to Big Ben?
If you have the time, I've got the inclination
What did Dr. Spock find in the toilet of the USS Enterprise?
The Captain's Log
Why did Tigger get his head stuck in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
_
What can't Irish men ever be lawyers?
Cause they can never pass the bar
How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-eight. One to hold the light bulb and the other twenty-seven to drink whiskey until the room spins
An Irishman walks past a bar
If a door can be ajar, why can't a jar be a door?
Why is it called a building after it has already been built?
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on somebody your own size
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you!
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before!
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent blonde?
There have been actual sightings of Big Foot
What did the blonde say to her doctor, when he told her she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
How do you make a guitarist shut-up?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
He dumped her
Be nice to your kids.
Someday they'll be choosing your resting home!
I went to a general store.
I couldn't find anything specific.
He decided to stick it out for another year.
He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out
Sometimes, when I'm not in my right mind, my left mind get really crowded
Oh Yeah! Baby! I got my Mojo workin'!
Do ya wanna see something really funny?
Go look in the mirror!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I think I'm coming down with something
Why did the cookie go to see the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
.
.:'{
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
Her New Jersey
The bartender replied, "sorry, we don't serve food here."
The family that sticks together should bathe more often
You Found Me!
Oh yea? If your're so smart, then why don't I understand you?
I have the world's largest collection of tropical fish.
Perhaps you've seen it. I keep it in all the seas and oceans around the world
Poultry in motion
It just never develops.
I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.
CRAZY DOG IDEA - GREAT NEW INVENTION
What do you think? E-mail Crazy Dog at rickjbrix@aol.com
Crazy Dog Inventions, Copyright 2009
All-Rights Reserved
Why is it great to be a test-tube baby?
(Test-tube baby talking: "Hey, could I get a little more womb in here? What's the big idea? I just want a bigger womb, and perhaps a pillow or a mini-beanbag chair, and maybe a little privacy would be nice. I feel like I'm living in a narrow fishbowl with no rocks, plants, or castles! I get no respect! Oh no, it's the stinky guy in the white coat. Go away! Hey, put me down! Whoa, steady! Steady dude! I'm feeling tipsy. Whoa! My what a big eyeball you have! It's kinda freaky! Oh, no! Not the straw! Oh, whew, it's just the stirrer. Easy now! Wee! Wee! Wee! I'm spinning! Around and around! Okay, now I'm getting dizzy! Please put me down. Pretty please! I'll get you your very own electron microscope for your birthday! Please! Come on! I've had all I can take, I can't take any more. I am not an animal! I am a human being! A very, very small one, but a human being nonetheless. I demand of you: Put me back in my rack! You oversized freaky alchemist,weirdologist Dr. Frankenstein guy! Put me down now! I'm gonna cry! Wa! Wa! Ah, there! Thank you, big guy! Much better; although I'm slightly angled on this rack now. I'm getting hungry. Hey, could you get me a sandwich? Make that a mini-sandwich? Or how 'bout a White Castle burger? Say Doctor Frankenstein, you really need to get a tweezers or one of those nose-hair clippers and pull out those nasty nose hairs of yours. Those are the longest nose hairs I've ever seen. They are so long I could make miniature jump ropes out of those things, or use them as fishing line and tie 'em to a little toothpick and cast it into the other tubes on this rack and go fishing for zygotes, or I could use one as a rope to climb out of here. I could think of better things to do than to sit in this glass cylinder all day. You know, I'm really getting bored in here. Maybe you could go buy me a 25 millimeter flat screen tv and a wii system with lots of cool games. A miniature I-pod would be great. Oh, and how 'bout one of those flip-out cell-phones so I can call a lawyer. Ya, and get me some mini donuts too. Hello! Hello! Can you hear me out there? Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. Clap! Clap! Hey Doctor Frankenstien! Can you see me (test-tube baby starts waving, jumping up and down, and pounding on the glass). Wa! Wa! Wa! Hi! Ah, sorry to bother you doc, but I just have one favor to ask. Hey, could you turn me slightly upside down again and angle me toward your face. (Shhh! Don't tell Frankenstein, I've got to pee!) Wa! Wa! Wa! Here it goes...(Grunt) Pssssssss... Ah! pssss... Ah! pss... Ah! What a life!)
Don't bother me!
I'm living happily ever after!
Did you know that insanity is heredity?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
YYY
>.<
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
A guy recieves a phone call from his doctor.
The Doctor says: "Well, I have good news and bad news"
The guy says reluctantly, "Give me the good news first."
The Doc says: "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live"
"That's awful, says the guy, what could possibly be worse than that?"
The Doctor replies, "Well, the bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
rickjbrix@aol.com
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!
GET READY TO MOVE!!!
It'S SPONTANEOUS DANCE TIME
GET UP OFF YOUR BOTTOM AND DO A LITTLE DANCE
"Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight"
INTERESTING IMAGES
LEARN HOW TO PLAY GUITAR NOW!!!
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, FART, AND MAKE MUSIC!
ROCK ON BABY!